The beginning but really the middle.....

Here I am almost fifty eight years old and I feel like I'm just starting to figure things out. Why now, I find myself asking the universe? Why not when I was eighteen and could have done things differently? Why not, as a new mother before I made all the mistakes? Why now? I don't have the answer. I just know that for some reason, things are clearer or more in focus now than they have ever been. I've been reflecting on life, my life, choices both good and bad that I have made. I've thought of a few isolated successes and found much more disappointment. Say what? Really? That is what I found myself thinking about. Was my life just a big mistake? There is a song we sing at church, "Have I done any good in the world today?", that is what I've been pondering. The good old master of lies has filled my head for the majority of my years telling me that I am a mistake. I am ugly, fat, ignorant, prideful, greedy, lustful, covetous, and I could continue but I won't. I had an epiphany. It is all about choice. No really, it is. Let me break it down for you. If I eat the entire bag of candy, I will feel like a failure and a fat pig. Hmmmm but if I choose not to, I won't. Choice, it seems rather easy don't you think? Why didn't this occur to me years ago? I don't have that answer. All I do know is that it did occur to me now. Life is a choice, happiness is a choice, God is a choice, love is a choice. How will I feel if I do .....? Let's see, I know there are consequences to choices but I've never internalized that to mychoices. I don't have to be depressed, unhappy, or anything else if I don't want to. I choose happiness. So, what does that mean? Have I changed over night? After all, it's been three days now. Am I changed? Yes. Is it visible? I don't know. How do I feel? HAPPY!!! What? It can't be that easy! I hear you saying it, as I type. But I testify it is true. Men are that they might have joy. That doesn't mean an occasional good day, that means peace and happiness amongst the chaos we call life. Three days. That isn't a change. Really? I can't tell you the last time in my life I have felt joy, pure happiness, for three days straight. Alright I thought of a time, my honeymoon. I digress, that was almost thirty one years ago. Three days. Seventy two hours, and I still feel that way. I've been eating better. I know that I will regret eating certain things or quantities, so I choose not to. Why? Because I choose to be happy. I'm reading and praying - often. I'm listening after I pray, waiting for that still small voice that I've heard before. I'm finding myself full of gratitude. I seem to notice just how loved and blessed not only I am but those around me, and those I know and love. My heart seems to see sometimes even before my eyes do, when someone is suffering or hurting or lonely. I'm trying to let them know that I see them. More importantly, I've been them. I'm not sure how long my mortal existence will be, but I do know this, for its remainder, I choose happiness.